It is the lull of a sleeping house, a midnight quiet that settles and seeps. I am awake, slowly slowing and thinking. I think about how my life is very different to what I thought it would be. I think about how it is worth it.
A few years ago the map looked different. Different roads were marked out, different dreams, shared. It felt like coming home, but it wasn’t. It was a pause, before new homes and empty hands.
But not an empty heart. My heart is so full sometimes that I can’t contain it. This Bible College life in Sydney brings a crazy amount of joy. Knowing Jesus brings a crazy amount of joy. I forget, often. I wonder and worry and question, but God doesn’t.
He has known what he is doing, and he knows now, still. He knows the roads ahead, unmarked and unseen by me. Unimagined. Chosen by him, for my good.
It is worth it. Tonight I got to speak to women about Jesus. The night was crazy fun but the talk was serious – maybe too so. Many if not most of those present knew him already. It was still worth it. It was incredible to get to remind them and be reminded. The joy of remembering the price he paid for me, flighty, sappy, over-analytical and altogether too bolshy me, spills over. The list of my undeserving could span galaxies. Jesus crossed the divide to save me.
And this life that I live poorly, for him, is worth it in every step. Every breath. It is late and I sit alone, thinking and thanking. For a second my mind drifts, down a road I did not take, and I wonder. It is only for a moment. Then another voice whispers and I listen, be still my soul. I am so thankful for THIS life. It is worth it. It will always be.
“For all your goodness I will keep on singing…”