I have sung this song before. It is not a new song, it is mine. Sometimes it feels as though I wrote it, each discordant note familiar. I I I. It is the song of me and all I want and all I dream and it squeezes out every other until I am the only note playing, like a stuck record. Sometimes it seems as though there is a new song. I start singing tentatively, carefully, but soon I grow weary of being careful. I do not learn from having sung the notes already. I sing it yet and still.
I have sailed this way before. This is not a new course, it is mine. I pull in the anchor, refusing help. I try to wrest the wheel away from my captain. I do not learn, steering into the storm. Sometimes when clouds are on the horizon, I relent, beg for help. Sometimes I am screaming defiance as the lightning crashes. Sometimes I am salt crusted and almost broken, stumbling on the rocks with the wreckage of the ship around me, before I will admit that this is not the right way. I am stubborn. I do not learn from having sailed this sea already. I sail it yet and still.
He has left his flock before, for me. The heart he seeks is not new, it is mine. I am slippery and flighty. I need to be told everything a thousand times. I do not learn. I skip away. Perhaps I am in the river? Perhaps this time I’m caught on a bramble? Perhaps I am feasting on the juicy grass? Probably I am stuck, but pretending not to be. He does not give up. He does not sigh and cross me out, or refuse to search for me. He finds me. He always finds me. He picks me up and brings me home.
Sometimes I bleat until the moment of rescue. Sometimes I have stopped asking for help long ago. Mostly I am too scared and too proud, a deadly combination. But he will not let me go.
He sings to me the sweetest song. It is not new, it is his. It overwhelms my senses, a melody too beautiful for me comprehend. He sings it to me until I grasp the tune. He sings it for me when my voice wavers. He sings it yet and still.
“There is a name I love to hear, I love to sing its worth. It sounds like music in my ear, the sweetest name on earth…”
“I will sing the wondrous story
Of the Christ Who died for me.
How He left His home in glory
For the cross of Calvary.”