So I write, apple on lap, sitting in the waiting room of an x-ray clinic, waiting to see if the back of my earring is stuck inside my ear and if so, whether it can be removed. This is off the back of being harangued by a passing car in a way I haven’t been for years, now that I’m in the upper end of my twenties. The irony of this is not lost on me, because you’d better believe that in my fuzzy ear state, I am completely without qualities to yell about.
It all feels faintly ridiculous and I want to shriek that this kind of stuff only happens to me, but I know it doesn’t. In this moment my life feels like a sitcom – or perhaps a drama – but most of the time (mercifully) it isn’t that entertaining. It also isn’t a big deal, just a tiny bit, won’t even remember in a few days, inconvenient
Life often turns out different – big picture and small – to what I expect, and I long to be a little more ‘roll with the punches’, or in this case, roll with the misplaced hand gesture while smoothing my hair that might have caused the back of my earring to lodge inside my head*. A good excuse not to groom myself in future? So many lessons to be learned here.
Seriously though I am thankful for some time out to reflect. Life moves fast. In only a week a whole lot that I held to be true has changed. Words said that cannot be unspoken. Diagnoses made that march to an inexorable conclusion. Last week was unexpectedly difficult, and life is complicated now in a way that there is no easy fix for. In some ways complicated is best, because I can’t kid myself that I have any chance of fixing it.
Coming back to college on Sunday was the same relief that leaving felt like only a few days before. I am learning a lot about home this year. That anything here is only an echo, and heaven is where I belong. Other places, with dingoes, or the bustle of kitchen service, or the sweet joy of communal dinners, other places can intermittently feel like home, but it doesn’t last. And there is great security in not being able to hold on to anything, because I remember as everything shifts that my God is holding onto me.
I think about hiding in the cleft of the rock. I think about the Shepherd seeking out his scattered flock. I think about how utterly impotent I am, to effect any kind of meaningful change.
This may not be making a lot of sense, but I guess my point is that it is when I am most aware of my weakness, that His strength is all. Once again I throw myself on the promises of God’s word, because he is a promise making, promise keeping God. And today, as ever, I am so thankful that he makes sense of me.
“For this is what the Lord God says: See, I Myself will search for My flock and look for them. As a shepherd looks for his sheep on the day he is among his scattered flock, so I will look for My flock. I will rescue them from all the places where they have been scattered on a cloudy and dark day.” Ezekiel 34:11-12
*One x-ray and a very amused radiographer later and all is well. I might be losing my mind, but there is nothing metal lodged inside my head to help the process. Thankful. Embarrassed. Story of my life. xx